Why immediately accuse the authorities of lying? They're not lying; they're taking care of us by creating a comfortable living environment for the people. The truth makes us uncomfortable; it nauseates us. We don't need it. The Russian people want to enter into mythology, preferably heroic. And so, these myths are spun for us, one after another, at our own request.

For a year and a half, we were fed myths about the resurgence of unfinished fascism and the return of the greatest war in our homeland's history. For a year and a half, we eagerly and enthusiastically fought on the real fronts of this imagined Great Patriotic War-2 against our former brothers.

The national spirit soared: our cause was evidently just, we were destined to win, and the anticipation of victory, mixed with hatred for our enemies—the fascist punishers and their collaborator policemen—helped us endure the fall of the ruble and the rising cost of the consumer basket.

We celebrated Victory Day with restrained joy: it was too early to rejoice, the war wasn't over yet. We applauded the nuclear missiles on Red Square with admiration, the guarantors of our frenzied sovereignty. We tied St. George ribbons everywhere we used to just write the word "fuck." We plastered "To Berlin" stickers on BMWs and Mercedes bought from the Germans. We were ready to do it again if the Commander-in-Chief ordered.

However, the war on the Ukrainian front, alas, became protracted and positional, and the fervor began to wane. So, our myth-makers devised a new ending for this fantastic Great Patriotic War-2: we are once again destined to save Europe.

After all, although we swore to reach Berlin for an encore, deep down, of course, we had no intention of fighting Europe.

Because we don't harbor hatred for Europe in our hearts. The television has pre-installed a different feeling towards Europe. We are now told by the authorities to condescendingly despise Europeans. For getting bogged down in their cumbersome, complex democracy, for having "lost their former passion," for "becoming effeminate," for being somewhat feeble-minded, for "letting gays march in the streets," for "letting in all these chocolate freeloaders," for being fools who amusingly mumble, unable to decide whose police should catch these barbarians, who not only can't catch anyone with their powerless gouty hands but don't really want to, who "cluck just for show, while bending over to make it easier for these vandals." We are told to despise Europe, for it supposedly began as a great civilization but ended as a retirement home and a puff of smoke.

And in this beautiful myth, Russia and the Russian people are assigned a role, of course, heroic and noble. Russia is not to destroy Europe but to save it. Save it, as it once did. After all, how did the Great Patriotic War-1 end for us? With the salvation and liberation of Europe. We are not a conquering people; we are a liberating people, as any Soviet school history textbook, on which all today's mature population of Russia was raised, will attest. We know this myth, we love this myth, we have waited our whole lives for the sequel to this myth. And now it is proudly presented to us.

Isn't that why we were frightened morning and evening with "the invasion of immigrant locusts on a bewildered Europe," isn't that why news from Russian fields was replaced with reports from Budapest station, so that each of us—from the very last homeless person to the creative class—could feel the desperate situation Europe found itself in due to its spinelessness, its centipede-like lack of coordination, and this hypocritical clownery with democratic procedures and human rights?

And here we come, riding in on Zhukov's white horse with balls.

We destroy the Islamic State, banned in Russia, we win the Syrian civil war, we stop the influx of refugees into the raped, languid Europe! To once again wink at it good-naturedly and patronizingly, like in a Kukryniksy cartoon, while rolling a cigarette: "Well, did you shit yourselves? Of course! Alright, we're not the resentful type! Get up, Germans, the danger has passed, stop sprawling here, someone might see!"

And then the TV viewer, exhausted by the prolonged battles in Donbass, will rejoice: oh, Putin, what a son of a bitch! Once again, he has spun the West on his new world axis, but elegantly, as if he saved it. And I, the viewer, instead of guts wrapped around Donbass trees and gnawing doubts, will be allowed to see the glorious procession of our victorious warriors among rose petals—through grateful Damascus and grateful Berlin. It will allow me to show magnanimity, to feel that without me, Europe would have been completely overrun by infidels, to become a hero. What a fine resolution! Wonderfully fine! They'll forget about Crimea out of gratitude, and understand everything about us and the Ukrainians: who is the reliable ally and who is the freeloader. What a beautiful myth it turns out to be. The whole country will devour it with appetite, and the national spirit will soar again, and talking about economic difficulties will become somehow awkward in this context.

A beautiful myth, but a myth. And it is only suitable for internal consumption.

Because Europe doesn't need saving. It is neither weak nor feeble-minded; it is not degenerating or falling apart; it is not made up of godless transsexuals and sleeping Islamic terrorists. Its tolerance and patience, its softness and slowness do not stem from helplessness or senile dementia, but from sharp memory and accumulated wisdom.

It is for us, with the criminal mentality instilled in our people by Comrade Stalin, that kindness means weakness, and therefore it is shameful and even dangerous. And our proverb "If they fear us, they respect us" is understood throughout Europe only by us.

Yes, Europe is currently hesitating in the refugee situation because its vital interests have come into conflict with its fundamental moral principles, laid down after the catastrophe of World War II. Because there can be no simple answers and solutions to such a challenge—especially for Austria and Germany. But answers and solutions will certainly be found, precise and accurate.

Yes, Europeans are tolerant of others—perhaps even demonstratively tolerant—because that's how they ask forgiveness from all those starved, stabbed, and burned over the centuries of European history. Because Europe only recently—just seventy years ago—awoke from an eternal cannibalistic haze, was horrified at its past, and swore to itself that such a thing should never happen again.

We too, I remember, swore something like that to ourselves in the voice of Kobzon, back in the old days. Only, it seems, it was all in a dream and delirium, and we never really woke up. And now the voice of Kobzon—how convenient—calls us again to a holy war. To save Europe, to save the whole world.

Only, no one is waiting for our Savior, except us. If we want to lie to ourselves—that's fine, that's our business, but we shouldn't think that Europe is obliged to believe in Russian folk tales.

And honestly, our ability to save the world hasn't really grown.